As a child, my number one best friend was the lib
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As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.
The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen tha
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The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I
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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, I used everything you gave me.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so tha
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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
My second favorite household chore is ironing.
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
If a man watches three football games in a row, h
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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
I do not participate in any sport with ambulances
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I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a hi
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Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepa
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Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have gi
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a hi
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Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of brea
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The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
Graduation day is tough for adults. They go
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Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are unemployed.
A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you a
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A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen tha
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The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.
What we're really talking about is a wonderful da
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What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepa
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Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
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