A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion b
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A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his lif
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing i
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An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.
How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
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How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
I have six locks on my door all in a row. W
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I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of
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A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
You can't have everything... where would you put
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You can't have everything... where would you put it?
There are many humorous things in the world, amon
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There are many humorous things in the world, among them the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists else
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The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Today is the last day of some of your life.
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Today is the last day of some of your life.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
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Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end toda
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Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.
The only thing that stops God from sending anothe
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The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties
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A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way th
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The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a sec
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Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
The large print giveth, but the small print taket
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The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if
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It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.
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All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
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